Diffusing Conflict by Listening to Understand

“What do you want?” “What are you doing to get it?” “Is it working?” Three powerful questions that are astonishingly hard to answer. It’s easy to get pulled into a tense moment and act on impulse, but how far does that get us? Moreover, how often do we find ourselves at odds with our friends, colleagues, and peers locked in an argument that guarantees a no-win outcome? Most importantly, why?

A surprising amount of conflict is rooted not in opposing viewpoints, but in a lack of understanding of where the other is coming from. The assumptions we make about another person’s argument, and often their worldview, lock us into a comfortable yet precarious vicious cycle of confirmation bias and blind assertions. We think we’re making our point, but we’re not, nor are we enticing our opponent to want to see our point of view. In fact, we’re doing the opposite. The more we dig in and insist first on throwing facts and persuasive arguments on the table, the more we are actually shutting down productive dialogue.

So what’s the solution? Counter-intuitively, we need to put our agenda aside, and listen first to understand. What are their interests and concerns that you need to win and overcome? Validate and empathize with the passion and attachments your peer has with their way of thinking, and when it’s your turn to introduce your agenda, bend it to validate those concerns as much as possible. It’s not about making them understand your idea. It’s about listening to theirs, and making your idea palatable, if not desirable, by demonstrating how it can satisfy their needs.